This Day Got Me Thinking...

The light slid in through the train window, the trees were whipping past and my legs had fallen asleep, half stuck under Owen’s own legs. The plastic grey train seats were covering what drained liquid turned the floor sticky, and my shoes gripped the back of the seat ahead of me so that I might steady myself against Owen’s sleepy weight. 8:30 AM and we both found ourselves traveling from his house in Camden to New York City so I could work and he could wander into bike shops. I remember my right hand wound up in his hair, his left hand tucked into mine, softly rubbing my thumb. I had asked if he wanted to listen to INDK or Oi Scouts and he batted at my hand instead telling me he’d rather just talk. I told him I’d rather not work. I looked out the window and saw two boys running the same direction of the train, waving sticks and plastic swords in the air, stains running down their shirts, their lips open wildly in impressive smiles.

“I think it would be really nice to try to help people,” I said.
I felt his body shift as he swallowed his spit and answer with a soft, “hm?”
“Help people. You know,” I said.
He cleared his throat and scratched his nose. The little boys waved to the train as they failed to catch up to the bulleting wheels.

“Yeah, no I got you. It would be nice. Lot of people want to do that though. Think you could really get anywhere with it?” he said.
“What do you mean get anywhere with it?”
“Nothing. I‘m sure you‘d figure it out.”

I pushed the hair out my face and my foot started to tap the floor at increasing speed, and to Owen’s discomfort.

“Did I say something wrong?” he said.
I looked out the window and said nothing.
“Ah, what, Aleks come on. You know what I mean. I guess I just never thought that was really your thing.”
“My thing? Yep. You’re right.” My eyes wandered and tried their best to concentrate on the clouds outside. I took a quick breath.
“I don’t think that’s exactly fair to say. Just because you want to do firefighting doesn’t mean I don’t have my own ways to like, contribute or--”
“I didn’t mean--”
“You did. But you did mean that. You mean to take me as a selfish person. It’s fine,” I moved my arm out from behind his head and adjusted myself closer to the window, away from his legs, “I just don’t understand why someone as open and honest and helpful and kind like you would ever want to be with a self-concerned, self-involving and ill-intented person like myself; is all I’m saying.”
“Jesus Christ Aleks I’m--”
“No, no. Really it’s just fine.”
Next stop is Maplewood, next stop, Maplewood. Please remember to use the cars with the stairs that lead to the platform; we will I repeat, we will not wait for you if you are in the incorrect car. Maplewood next.

The silence lasted the rest of the train ride. The silence on the subject lasted the last year of our relationship.